Vir Das is not my hero. (Only I am)

And cue liberals shitting on Vir Das. The 'Circular Firing Squad' is true. No one is perfect. Every small flaw, every small act of commission or omission, every small error must be magnified and examined, spoken about and tossed around in public, and eventually used as a justification to discard the celebrity who has outlived its purpose, the purpose being creating a conversation that allowed the right-wing to hyperventilate and the left-wing to shit on the said celebrity. The problem is that no one is 'pure' enough for the liberals, just like no one is communist enough for the left and no one is stridently religious enough for the right.

But here is where they diverge: The extremists will hide the flaws and shine the light on the things their heroes are doing right. Are you defending rapists, but are also shouting JSR and BMKJ in the process? Focus on the JSR and BMKJ. Are you killing innocent civilians, paramilitary forces, and even their families but shouting Laal Salaam and Jai Bhim while doing it? Focus on the Laal Salaam and Jai Bhim. Are you creating child soldiers and suicide bombers out of disillusioned youth in what could have been paradise on Earth but shouting Allah-ho-Akbar and Azaadi while doing it? Focus on the Allah-ho-Akbar and Azaadi. The liberals, on the other hand, will keep looking for flaws and when they find them, however minute, will be merciless in putting you down. You may have won a Nobel but they will not forgive that you married your student. You may have stood in front of an international audience and spoken about the dichotomy your nation lives every day but they will point out that you forgot to include caste. You may have gone to jail, been beaten up, vilified, and your academic career destroyed as you stood up for your principles, but they will remember you for the political party you eventually joined (no, not the one you were opposing and remain opposed to, but a party that is slightly less extreme than your absolutely pure-as-driven-snow sensibilities would allow). You may be the front-and-centre spokesperson for reason and science of your generation, but they will crucify you for saying something remotely politically incorrect on a medium that specifically misses nuance. You may be the woman who wrote one of the most feminist and hard-hitting novels of your time, but they will remember that one time you said something about transsexuals. The liberals have a specific set of skills, skills they have learnt over a long period of consuming their own. They will use these skills to find your flaw, however minuscule, and bury you under it, regardless of what you have done otherwise, who you are, and what your more important achievements are and have been. They are the perfect examples of the crab mentality we seem to know about: Step 1: Do not climb. Step 2: Pull back anyone trying to.

You could be anyone. You could be anywhere. You could say anything. But nothing but perfection will do. Everyone is either too left or too right, too feminist or too patriotic, not anti-casteist enough or if so, not loud enough, not enough left or not enough right. We are forever going 'neti-neti' pointing at each other. The only perfect liberal is ME.

You know who else speaks like that? Islamists/Hindutvawadis/Militant Christians/Zionists/Sikh extremists/Maoist-Leninist/Dalit Warriors who claim that everyone but them has somehow misunderstood their religion and dogma, everyone but them is misquoting from their scriptures and holy books, everyone but them has really not understood their prophets and their teaching, everyone but them is a poor, misled, soul who knows no better, everyone but them has only 'half-baked knowledge' about their faith/belief, everyone but them does not understand, leave alone follow the fundamentals of their core tenets, everyone but them is somehow less of a Muslim/Hindu/Christian/Jew/Sikh/Communist/Dalit. Indeed there is no one as perfect an ideologue/believer as this one specific particular practitioner is.

THAT is how you look, my friends. You look exactly like the ones you mock, without realising that by your insistence on the pure, you are more like them than you would like to admit.

And then, we look at election results and wonder why we never seem to win. It's not rocket science, my friends. We don't win because we don't let anyone win. Especially those who speak for us and stand for the very things we claim we believe in. Because they are not perfect. Only I am.  Main apni favourite hoon.

P.S: Anurag Minus Verma is welcome to book the Kennedy Centre, sell out the tickets, and perform his monologue as he deems fit to a (hopefully) thunderous standing ovation. I won't stop him. I might even buy a ticket and listen to what he has to say and perhaps applaud him at the end of it. But for him to shit on Vir Das because he didn't say that one thing he thinks he should have said is being churlish, childish, and frankly, quite unnecessary. India has a billion issues. Feel free to highlight the ones you wish to. But also be prepared to be shat upon by everyone and their liberal uncles for not saying something they thought you should have included. This feels exactly like the Hindutvawadis/Islamists coming to my wall and demanding I say something about Muslims/Hindus instead of Hindus/Muslims. It's my wall. I will say what I want. Like Anurag says what he wants in his article, except he demands that Vir Das say what he (Anurag) wants on his (Vir's) stage!

P.P.S: If I had to perform that monologue, caste would be front and centre. But you see, I am not performing it. He is. And it is important for us liberals (most of who are smart, educated, and woke) to understand the difference.